What it is:... Fuck

I fucked up bad.  I'm not going to explain how but I probably ruined my relationship.. and my relationship with my best friend... and my best friends possible relationship but this was before they had even meant so does it even count!?!?!  FUCK!!!  With a capital "H".  I wish I...  I just wish I was never born sometimes because all I do is fuck with peoples lives and create stress...   I'm glad I'm leaving next year so I don't burden my home town friends with my present any longer cuz I wouldn't have many friends if they knew.  God damn me and my failure at life... 

What it is: ...

...  Gosh darn I can't do this whole facade thing anymore.  I suppose in the end everybody needs something and I have nothing.  I'm just failing at life I feel right now and I almost broke up with my boyfriend today.  Today is just a terrible day though I will say otherwise cuz it should have been amazing but it's just not effecting me the same.  I was happy then I'm no longer so.  Fuck.  I just can't do this whole thing for much longer.  I just want...  Something to hold onto.  Someone to know me for who I am and not who I say I am.  That's all I want is for someone to know me cuz I sure as hell don't.  Then how could they?  I just want them to see through my clouded eyes and into my soul and though it is dark couldn't it be worth it??  Maybe it isn't.  Cuz my soul is so dark.  That sucks.

What it is: Sadness... I'd never cried for my Grandfather.

     Honestly I never did.  Until yesterday when we visited his grave.  I figured I would but I still didn't expect it as much as I would have prefered.  I just hugged my brother and started sobbing.  It didn't help that earlier I had felt like m heart was being teared in to two peices.  And that is the reason that I don't plan to speak civilly to my mother anytime soon.  My brother hurt my sister in unspeakable ways and nobody else can let it go so my sister threw a fit yesterday and it resulted with my mother calling my brother yelling at him and telling him not to come which ruined my freaking day.  So yeah that was what went down.  Not a good day.

What it is: Stuff... yeah bad stuff... :(

Hello my name is **** and I'm an alcoholic.  Or my friends believe me to be.  Sure I can see it but I'm not technically... well I don't drink everyday.  BUT, I do drink because of stress and this depression like feeling I have all of the time.  It's not a good thing I know but it's almost like I can't avoid it.  Every weeekend, something happens which includes me drinking and I pretty much got kicked out of my friends house because of it.  Hah do I need serious help?  Probably.  Will I get it?  NO!  I feel like my goal is to get better before next school year but I'm not sure I can do it...  :(

What it is: Sexuality

I always totally thought I was completely straight.  Until recently.  I'm thinking that I may be bisexual...  A few of my friends are and a few of my friends think I am just because of how I act.  I can see it though...  That's like all I had to say on that.

What it is: Friends... Again.

I lost a good friend of mine for a while due too "differences" in opinion about this other friend...  Something like that anyways.  We hung out today and it was awesome.  She is like the only person I hang out with out of school so it was great and we went to Kerry and Voyagers.  I missed hanging out with just people.  It was amazing and fun and.......  God, I feel like shit.  I'm leaving next year.  WTF.  I want to leave so badly.  Three things today are trying to convince me not to.  First my knowledge bowl coach tells me how much my team is going to miss me and that we have a good chance at state next year.  Second the director of the city band questions my reasons for going because the school doesn't have an actual band program.  Third I hang out with friends I've had only for this year and they're the closest friends I've ever had that are girls.  It's depressing that I'm losing all of this stuff next year.  Today I'm not even in a good mood to consider whether it's worth it or not but I think it is and if I don't like it I can come back after a semester and wouldn't everybody just be so happy then.  But would I regret my choice for the rest of my life??  WHY IS LIFE SO HARD???

What it is: Depression

I'm fairly I suffer from depression.  I won't ever go to a shrink to admit it and get anti depressants...  well maybe, the people say they make you feel better, but they have such an negative connotation.  I just want to do something that can make me feel better... like anything.  Talking to my boyfriend who is a bum and always forgets to check his phone for days at a time I don't think he really gets how bad my depression gets... Wait this is probably cuz I never tell him.. hehe  Need to work on that.  Cutting myself ( last ditch effort to get my mind to leave me alone)  Getting drunk, high, you name it.  I've done it to escape my mind.  I try to avoid a lot of it.  It's not a good habit.  I get sad, I itch to do something about it...  Not spectacular right?  Lets just say it's a habit it started with cutting which started three years ago.  Bleh, see then life gives me troubles I go to one of my vices... I guess I have many of them.  Then there is the possible just bitching someone out till I feel better...  This one I may give more of a shot.  Let people know what I think of them... pssshhh  Could I ever do that??  Yeah if I was drunk or something... Occasionally sober maybe give it a try.  Start with that boyfriend of mine eh?  That's sorta mean but I feel sorta abandoned by him a lot cuz he lives out of town and he never checks his phone.  I'm needy... it's a gift??

What it is: Affection

I hate this long distant relationship thing.  I was supposed to go see my boyfriend yesterday but then we ended up not going, but now I'm supposed to go next weekend instead and I'm excited.  In the meantime I miss him like fuck.  I have like this giant crush on a dude here though... IT'S NOT FAIR!!!  I refuse to agknowledge this though cuz I don't want to hurt my bf.  I refuse.

What it is: Buzzes

Have you ever felt the need for a good buzz?  Whether it be alcohol, tobacco, whatever your poison is.  This is pretty much the story of my life right now.  I always want to feel good, I have no idea what is wrong with me.  Something obviously is right now.  I have abandonment issues I have recently realized.  My brother left me.  My best friend left me (No guilt trip please I still love you no worries).  I've just been abandoned all of my life.  It seems like nobody ever really wants to deal with me for long.  I don't have a really best friend that I can tell everything to.  I never have honestly.  I've never let anyone inside of my head truly.  I'm not sure I could.  I can't even stand my brain.  It's too depressing.  Thus the buzz necessity.  I just want to feel good, pursuit of happiness it's a constitutional right but I think I'm taking it to far!!  How can I be doing these things to myself when I know it's wrong and bad for me.  I just need to see a shrink or something... but then again how would this help me since I can't open up for anyone.  I'm just depressed someone needs to put me on Prozac or one of those strong anti-depressents but then I would just be hyped up on pills on the time right??  I love my boyfriend so much, but I never get to see him and he stopped texting me for two days and I fell into this deep funk.  I was supposed to go see him tomorrow but now I don't think I can.  I was going to go with friends but they aren't going anymore.  I just really need him.  I'm in this inevitable downward spiral I fear.  Geez.  I'm depressing maybe a shrink isn't such a bad idea...  I didn't know where my sister was and so I automatically assumed she commited suicide... WHO DOES THAT!!  It's probably cuz of the book I'm reading.  I don't even know.  Should I see a shrink or would I just close up.  The closest person I have to a shrink is my boyfriend... I tell him everything.  I can't not tell him everything, he just accepts me for who I am.  My cousin started worrying about my partying ways recently.  I love that kid so much, he knows a lot about my partying thing.  I didn't even know I was a partier till this year since I stayed away from it for so long.  It's always been one of those things I wasn't interested in... Just like anger.  I had no interest in being angry until this year.  What is wrong with me?  I've already gone through puberty so that isn't an excuse, is this one of those teenage angst things?  I think it's mor than that though.  And I'm once again rambling.  I seem to do this a lot.  Only eighteen days of school left... well something like that.  I just need it to be over.  I can't handle this anymore...  :(  So this is my depressing blog cuz I'm sorta inebriated right now.  Greatest idea right?  NO

What it is: Sleep...then music.

So, funny conversation at a lunch table today.  My friend Jeff took a poll at the table asking who liked sleep, everyone raised their hand.  Then he says "If being in a relationship prevents sleep then why do people have them."  Me, being the smart ass, I respond with "Because what you're doing when you aren't sleeping is so much more fun."  I just stood up and walked away grinning as everyone was laughing.  Including my ex and his new girlfriend.  Today was a good day, I guess.  Alas now sleep escapes me.  I'm pretty sure I have insomnia because it is a rare occasion when I get more than six hours of sleep a night, and I can't fall asleep usually... like right now.  My mind just races and keeps going for hours on end, thus no sleep for Nora.  It's makes me pretty efficiant though, I can read, write, practice, think (which usually isn't a great thing).  I'm sorta thinking I'm going insane.  My filter from brain to mind is pretty much disappearing.  This probably explains the comment from one of my friends in band today.  "It says I have to play it raunchy"  Saxophone player says.  Comment from the low brass?  "Just try to think like Nora"  Laughs all around and I wasn't really paying attention but they repeated it for me and I laughed and agreed.  Saxophone player said it worked.  AHHH  I'm so excited for Fine Arts Night.  I heard two of the saxophones playing the Glee version of "Don't Stop Believing"  By Journey.  I didn't want to catch my bus because it sounded amazing.  I'm sad though because this is my last year there.  In other band news.  The band and choir are having a sing off of the song "I Can do better"  You know: Anything you can do I can do better.  And I'm so proud of them cuz we are totally gonna whip the choir's asses because we actually know how to read music *GASP* What a concept eh?  I stood next to the guys I'm friends with when we sang it today and we actually have a bass part because there are actually guys in band and we get really competitive with the choir people...  Is this what people mean when they say I'm distractable...  I was talking about sleep... now I'm talking about band...  ha whatever.  I don't even think anyone reads this anymore the people who used to are either not as good of friends with me or have disappeared...  MAT!!  Hehe I'm nervous for next year.  I'm going to this art school in a town like six hours away.  I'm leaving all of my friends and pursuing my career.  This is probably referred to as growing up.  Who knew it would be so hard?

What it is: Love...maybe?

So I gots a boyfriend.  He's not a douche like the last guy I dated... but sadness he lives out of town.  I like talk to him on the phone every night.  Is it love??  Maybe, I can't decide yet.  I suppose it is too early to tell but, I've sorta dated him before and he was a good friend of mine before I started dating him.  He's sorta awesome... even though he gets shit faced sometimes and it sorta annoys me but that's hypocritical of me cuz... well you get it.  I still can't decide what his motives are exactly.  I see him as honest but I can't read him... well not over the phone anyways.  Plus the fact that we had sex before I started dating him the first time and I can't decide if that's all he wants.  Plus the fact that I cheated with him on my ex like last year...  Is this a good sign or a bad one?  But, all I know is that for once this year I've been spectacularily happy like since we started dating and that's not what it was like with my last bf...  So many questions about this.  I guess the whole point of love is putting yourself in a position to get hurt.  It's all about the risk... or so I hear and think myself.  I hope he doesn't hurt me but I suppose even the greatest loves have had hurt in them.  Comment!!  let me know what you think.  <3s 

What it is: Exhaustion

So... Call me a burnout I suppose that is the most fitting term for me all day today.  I'm not going into details as to what I'm refering to when I specify that that phrase is the one that refers to me.  I suddenly feel like I don't have as many friends as I used to.  I was in a huge group of friends at one point then I was in an even smaller close knit group of friends, now they're ditching me because I wanted to be friends with one guy that one of them has a crush on.  No I can't really say I blame her, the girl who is pulling away from me.  Well actually I do blame her and she's probably reading this so, yes I hang out with Kyle, Christina, but since when is who I hang out with as a FRIEND a worry of yours.  You can like him as more than one but I don't at all anymore because I love Mike and Kyle knows that.  Just like I agknowledged (typo?) the fact that he loves Molly.  I can't even explain the animosity I currently feel for you.  Yes this means that I too am angry but refuse to show it for the fact that that is not who I am.  But, Chrissy I still love you to death because that's who I am.   Anyways, I realize that I still have a ton of friends but I'm not as close as I was.  *Grumble* guess that's what I get anyways.

What it is:choices

I just received my acceptance letter from an arts high school about five hours away from my home town. I can't really be sure that I should go or not. I want to go but at the same time I am not too keen on the idea of leaving everyone here. On that note last year my best friend moved away so my friends at school keep saying "Mat left us and now Nora is!!!!". I sorta laugh because it didn't effect them like it effected me so... But I really think it would be the best thing for me at this point so I'm signing up for it anyways.

What it is: Bleh... Meh... yeah... pretty much.

     So yeah... pretty much.  *grumble, grumble*  My computer is broken... it won't start anymore well I haven't been home since Friday so maybe it's changed in approximately 24 hours.  I have so much to type and say but my brain keeps telling me not to reveal anything.  If it was illegal then I didn't do it...  (I lied I probably did but still for future reference...)  I have plans in the future to do the cupid shuffle naked with one of my friends...  Yeah pretty much.  I've had a sucky weekend thus far and though the weekend had just started it still probably isn't gonna get any better considering my mental state.  I've started dreaming again.  I never have nightmares but I've also never had dreams about things I'm thinking about which started a couple days ago and isn't a good thing at all because all I can pretty much think about it my ex- boyfriend Tyler.  I guess I just really miss him so I can't do anything about it.  I talked to him for a bit last night and we can't talk at all plus I have to hide it from my friend...  Umm yeah I know your reading this Christina...  Don't kill me... hehe I love you.  Oui I dreamed about him twice the first one consisted of him holding me and a bunch of my random 4H friends playing 4-square.  The second one I can't remember right now but it was about him and both times, I wake up less rested than when I fall asleep though I got more sleep then I usually do.  Then last night I dreamed about going to the movies with my friends and I saw Will Smith, his son, and his wife though I have no idea what she looks like.   It was weird and he was shorter than I expected.  My sub-conscience is out to get me I'm sure.  Speaking of sleeping I spend the night at my friend's house every weekend and we are wearing incredibly fuzzy pants.  Like the fuzzyness is not explainable to the average human who hasn't felt it I would attach a sample but oh WAIT

SAMPLE: ULTIMATE FUZZYNESS!!!!!!

[ ]

So yeah...  to all of my fans... All like three of you who will ever read this maybe...  I LOVE YOU!

What it is: Heart Break

Oui, what can I say, I fell for the guy, hard.  Then we broke up.  Now all I want is him back.  I want to find solace in his arms whenever I get worried about others, now I take solace in myself when I worry about him.  He's what I care about most, I can't stop thinking about him, what our issues were, if we can work them out?  Is this what heartbreak feels like?  Is this what losing your first love is?  I wish I could just hold on to him until I am unable to but I feel that this would be cruel.  My friends don't like him but I miss him so much I feel like that should make up for it.  And if you reading this close friends, I know you don't like him but I love him and I don't know what to do without him.  Christina, will you give him a chance, just once more and if he fucks it up it's done, over.  It's just misery.  Moodles.

Ode to: DANGIT MY FOOT JUST FELL ASLEEP!!!!

It's happened to every one... You're just sitting there innocently and all the sudden when you try to sit up your leg is pretty much jelly and before you know it, you're on the ground and your foot has that pins and needles feeling.  *Grumble*  I challenge you to figure out why our feet fall asleep...  Cuz I have no clue.

What it is: The scourge of humanity

*Grumble*  Do I have to say it?  Yes.  EQUAL RIGHTS.  We are always repressing somebody.  First the African Americans, now the homosexuals??  Seriously when are we gonna figure out that human is human no matter their skin color or sexual preference.  Isn't their right to get married just as legal as ours?  It's the pursuit of happiness correct?  Is it not guaranteed by the constitution along with other basic rights such as freedom of speech, freedom of petition, and freedom of press.  Homosexuals are still people smart ones.  Just because they like members of the same sex doesn't exclude them from basic human rights.  I'd like religion to be brought up in this argument just so I can yell "Separation of church and state, sherlock!".

What it is: Friends

THANK YOU FOR!:
1) Reading my blog.  :D  You know who you are.
2) Helping me push a car
3) Messaging me more than twice a day when I need you.  <3 I Am Me
4) Dealing with me when I'm down
5) Talking to ass holes for me.
6) Voicing your opinions even if I didn't ask
7) Protecting me from myself and my bad tendencies.
8) Loving me as usual
9) Being awesome
10) Being obsessed with even numbers....  Yeah That's you I'm talking bout!!!

A day in the life.

So I'm helping my friend start her online classes today... She's a rule breaker not a follower. It was hilarious watching her swear up and down at the computer because it wouldn't do what she wanted it to and because she had to take a tutorial. Her mother and I helped her with it which required totally guessing in a test and getting all but two right. Go us!!!! Random but hilarious.

What it is: The Truth 1

The truth of the matter is that I'm a sixteen year old creatively suppressed artist, I suppose.  That's why when I'm on my blog I can write three posts in one night an still feel like I have accomplished nothing.  Well, it's not like anyone reads these, cept I Am Me of course.  Props to you.  The truth of it:

Early days
I have very few memories of when I was younger.  I can't remember before the age of five, except very important things.  Like my uncle Terry.  He wasn't really my uncle he was a close friend of my dad's and later I was to find out quite the trouble maker.  I remember him with his bandanna in his boat visiting us and having a cup of coffee with my dad while the both chain smoke their Marlboros.  I suppose I also remember the Marlboros, my father hasn't smoked them in years but every time I smell them I feel a sense of nostalgia.  They sat at the old picnic table, which is long gone now, and I'd listen to them talk.  Terry had a wonderful imagination, it was worthy of getting lost in.  He always said there was an amphibious pachyderm that lived in the bay, under our dock.  I believed him and everyday I would look for that water dwelling elephant in the hopes that it would let me ride it.  I was only later to realize that our bay was far too shallow for any elephant sized creatures to dwell there, but, when I was young anything was possible.
A lot of Terry's stories had reasons behind them such as the one when he told my sister and I that our neighbors were serial killers and that's why there was a fence there.  That kept us from trespassing for sure.
My sister believed she had a curse.  When her first god-father passed away from some sort of cancer, I believe, she named Terry her god-father.  Then he had a stroke.  Terry was a close friend of mine at the time before I really had started school, I visited him in the hospital and sobbed when I realized he couldn't remember my name.  I saw him in the greatest of his days and the worst.  Shortly there after Terry died, he suffered another stroke.  That's his story, I will never forget my second father.

Andrew
I have an older brother whom I have adored since I can remember.  He adored me too, he still does.  He and my older sister have never gotten along as well as we have.  I will never understand some things about him.  My mother said he was sick.  I just think he was angry, he was angry sad and lonely.  He had a learning disability, but he was never stupid.  People made fun of him for it though, he didn't play sports (almost a crime in my hometown) he wasn't in any extra-curricular activities it was almost like he was the Boo Radley of his grade.  He attracted some attention from girls but they turned on him.  They told him to kill himself and they called him names.  He was 15, this was just after what we Minnesotans call the Red Lake School Shooting (It was as the name implies a school shooting in Red Lake a rez here).  He sent an e-mail to the girl telling her that something like Red Lake was going to happen here if the harassment didn't stop.  She reported it to the police.  My family didn't own any guns or weapons.  We didn't hunt, we rarely fished, there was no need to search our house but the police came they took my brother, our computer, and a telescope stand which was the best possible weapon they could find.  My sister and I watched from behind our garage as our brother was taken away from us.  We were still so young, we couldn't understand this.  He was sent to a juvenile facility for some time and then he returned to us when I was probably about ten or eleven.  But, he wouldn't stay long.

What it is: Music

To me it is everything, everything I have, everything I can do.  To others it may be less but to me it is still my whole being.  I listen to it I play it I write it.  I don't know why I ended up being so gifted in it it just happened and I love it with every electron, neutron, and proton (Yes I went subatomic) of my being.  Some people can't understand that it is all that I can hold on to.  I can barely hold on to writing one day this blog may go unwritten in for an extended period of time though I hope it will not be soon. and I hope that something I say will have more effect than someone crying for the story.  I hope I can inspire someone somewhere to get out there and change the world like I will hope to before my life is over so I can say I did something that helped people and that I didn't just write music that only my friends heard or write posts that only my friends read, I hope to be global and unforgettable to more than those who I see everyday, because one day as everything that lives does, I will die but before that I will make an impact.  I will help people.  I got very off topic... Oui.

What it is: What to do after you break up with your boyfriend again...

1. DON'T DRINK!!!  Alcohol is a depressant and thus bad.  and mom said no!
2. Go to sleep
3. Wake up epically in your friend's bed
4. Take a half asleep shower even though it may be like four in the morning
5. Fall back asleep in a towel turban
6. Work for three hours after your friend's mom wakes you up.
7. Call friends to pick you up
8. Go get ice cream
9. Pull a ninja stop and sneak to the gas station you just saw your friend at
10. Jump through beer window into back of truck and duck.
11. Jump up and out of bed of truck and tackle friend
12. Drive aimlessly until Mom yells at you guys to get home
13. Did I mention the ICE CREAM
14. Crash on be listening to music until said friend from before finally gets his lazy ass to the house
15. Drive around aimlessly again
16. Go to friends g-rents house... Drink pop...  Play with Baseball bats
17. Leave friend's G-rents house and go to bonfire
18. Proceed to get soaked in friends yard... it was an ocean
19. Go home
20. Sleep

What it is: Living in the moment

Does anybody in this day and age live in the moment?  Have humans ever?  Have we lived like there will be no tomorrow, have you done something today that you want people to remember you forever for?  I realized today that I haven't appreciated everything life has given me.  I've always just wanted more.  I have great friends and my family is pretty okay too.  Did you tell someone that you love them today, just to make sure they know?  Did you let them know you care and that you always will, or were you too busy waiting for something to happen for you?  I believe in karma, what you do will be done to you, sorta thing.  You have to love to be loved, you have to care to be cared about.  Living and loving and caring and trying are all about the moment.  Prove you care, love or that you are trying.  It's never too late until the people you care about are gone, and you never know when that might be.  Right now it might be too late for some but not for others, don't dwell in what you should have done and try to do something of equal value today, now, soon.

What it is: First love

I may never be over my first love.  Is this normal?  I don't think breaking up and then getting back together all the time is okay.  I can feel that I'll never be the same as I once was, he made me feel like shit and I suppose that's how I'll expect all of my relationships to be after this.  Few things will change my mind.

Gabe II (Chapter 5)

               My friends didn’t mind that Gabe and I were seeing each other again; as usual they just tolerated him, this I could tell this was how it always had been.  It took him a while for him to realize that I was actually going to be there for him again.  Our relationship quickly returned to what it had been including fights at least once a week mostly over text message.  He would start fights over the stupidest things, if I didn’t pay enough attention to him, or if he felt I paid too much attention to someone else.  One thing that changed since the last time is that he started to come over.  It was nice but I realize that my parents weren’t very smart when they traded the couch in the living room for a bed.  Blankets and all this bed was where Gabe and I spent much of our time watching movies and such because there was nothing else to do.  Then one night, my mother left the house for twenty minutes and Gabe suggested it.

                “Where’d your mom go?”  He asked with a mischievous look in his eye.

                “Just outside probably.  Why?”  I was mildly suspicious.  I wasn’t to be disappointed in my suspicions either as I found out.

                “Do you want to take it further”

                “She’s just outside.  Are you serious?”

                “Of course I’m serious, but, it’s up to you.”  He’d always say this but deep down I’d always feel that it wasn’t actually up to me, he was just manipulating me like I did to everyone else.

                I didn’t say anything to him I just grabbed his hand and led him to my bedroom.  It wasn’t very long he was already almost done and it hurt, a lot.  You always hear about it hurting, well I did anyways, but it didn’t prepare me in any way for the ripping sensation.  He comforted me the whole time, all approximately two minutes of it.  We spent a lot of time together but things still had changed when we were apart.  I got the buzz of risk and risk is addicting. 

                One night I spent the night at my friend Kyla’s house, now I knew my friend smoked weed, but I had never considered it.  We were up until one in the morning and we were watching That 70’s Show  they had this sort of advertisement on there to tell kids not to smoke marijuana.  I looked at Kayla and we laughed.

                “We should get some weed!”  I suggested, only partially joking.

                “Dude, we need money.”  She responded.  I thought this was obvious.

                “I have some.  How much do you think we need?”  Less joking this time.

                “Like twenty for an eighth.”  I have yet to have figured out what that eighth is of, a gram, maybe.

                I counted all my cash and Kyla and I ogled at the amount, it evened out to exactly twenty. 

                “This is definitely a sign.” I said quietly and she just smiled as she called her sister Miranda to see if we could get a bag, we could.

                We walked about five blocks at one in the morning in the middle of winter.  My town actually has a curfew which is ten and that’s when all of us kids are supposed to be home.  My friends from seventh street (The street Miranda’s boyfriend lived on and the highest place in town-not elevation wise) and I have broken this curfew so many time, they hardly enforced it.  We were freezing but it was all better when Kyla and I got back to her house.  This was the first time I experience the extremeness of my light weighted-ness.  We didn’t even smoke a whole bowl and the room was spinning, we had both burnt our thumbs but couldn’t feel it until later.  I didn’t really feel it until I was inside for a second and then it crept up on me and I didn’t realize I was stoned until I forgot something for a second, was trying to remember and I suddenly realized.

                “Dude, I’m stoned” I said to Kyla and she just laughed.  I said that about one hundred times that night.  We were up to at least three in the morning and in this time we soaked our thumbs in cold(not that we could tell) water until they stopped stinging while I swayed back and forth.  Then I spun around on a chair and Kyla thought my feet were like a horse.  I can’t remember much but I do remember falling on the floor so many times that when we tried to count, we lost track-not a hard feat for us in our state-and talking so much that Kyla yelled at me to shut up so she could watch TV.

                I called Gabe that night, he was a very unhappy person.  I just talked to him for about five minutes and he hardly said a word.  He was very angry at me and I didn’t understand.  He always talked about getting high and getting drunk, but as I would find out this would never be okay for me.  I also called Max-we were on good terms- and Cam at three in the morning, boy were they pissed. 

                “Wake and Bake.”  Kyla and I chimed in at the same time.  The only problem with getting stoned that morning was that I had to go home and Cam was giving me a ride home, Max was with him.  I sat in the back seat next to Max while Cam’s girlfriend Cayla sat in the front seat. 

                “What were you on last night?”  Cam asked me and Max laughed and agreed that he wanted to know.  I wouldn’t tell them and they wouldn’t stop pestering me and when I finally gave in in between giggling fits because Max was tickling me.

                “Same thing I’m on right now.”

                “No way, Max check.”  Cam said in disbelief while Cayla just shook her head laughing.

                “Really Keira?”  I giggled as Max held my face still and looked at my eyes.

                “Oh my god she isn’t lying, she’s stoned.”  I smiled at Max with my high smile.  I almost wanted to snuggle right into him but I resisted, for the most part.  I did lean against him as I tried to calm down and kill the buzz I had on the ride home. 

                I got home and I pretty much went to sleep, my sister knew what went down and so did her boyfriend, this one for a while, Sam.  That was the first time I got stoned and I was hooked.

Oui... Life

You broke my heart when you left me
standing on that curb in the rain
the sky cried with me
but didn't feel my pain

I ran from you and I suppose I got what I deserved
but you just watched me cry didn't reach out to help
were you scared? Frightened of my tears
Or did you realize your deepest fears

My friends held me as I cryed and wiped the memories clean,
clean of dirt and things you had said to me
the sweet whispers of nothing into my ear
you probably will never shed a single tear

Escaping You

When I’m with you

I feel like I need to escape

I find different ways every time

I slip through your control

I promised myself no one could control me

Like you do

You tell me what I can’t do

I find a new way every time

First it was cheating

Then that was out ruled

Next it was drugs

Then it was ruled out

Now it’s cutting

Will I ever learn

Whenever I’m with you

I’m not me

One day you will find them

The scars that line my arm

Will you take that away from me too

Like you did the others

Maybe I should take you away from myself

I know if I tried what you do I’d be single in a second

Why is everything okay for you to do but not me

When I’m with you

Who Am I? (Max) Chapter 4

I went to my friend Max’s house while my sister was out with her boyfriend of the moment.  Max was sort of my friend by default, he was Cameron’s friend mostly but since I hung out with Cam I hung out with Max and thus friendship.  Now what I saw in Max was nothing more than friendship, he was fun but mildly annoying. 

At first there were three other people at Max’s house but around nine they left.  I had an hour left to fill up so we ended up starting a movie.  We both smoked but Max was 19 so his rents were ok with it and we smoked out the window.  It was the night before my birthday.  I was carefree that night, I didn’t care anymore.  He gave me a clove cigarillo and said he didn’t want to waste another one so we would have to share, I didn’t mind, I’d shared cigarettes with other people.  I’d never smoked clove before, there is definitely a reason they made clove cigarettes illegal, clove cigarillos aren’t though.  Smoking cloves is like eating candy, but smokier.  The smoke is sweet and once you’ve smoked one you will want another, but here’s the catch, you smoke more than a couple a day, your lungs will bleed.  One a day is okay though, and completely worth it.  At first Max and I shared regularly by passing it back and forth, then we just switched smoke with each other.  Meaning we blew the smoke into the others mouth.  I should have stopped it there but I didn’t.  It was a pretty small window and we were cramped in there together.  Up close and personal doesn’t even define how close we were together, we were as close as lovers.  Then one time my lips touched his and he started to kiss me, I let him and I kissed him back until he was on top of me on his bed and I was thinking once again.  What the heck am I doing, I have a boyfriend remember, and I’m only fifteen you’re nineteen this is sort of almost illegal, I think.  I just felt so empowered I was getting to the long term point in my relationship but Gabe never initiated anything so I felt sort of lost in it.  It was my birthday I was entitled to something wasn’t I? 

I don’t know my reasoning behind the whole affair, was it the clove cigarillos?  Perhaps, but it is irrelevant at this point.  The next day at school I was twitchy all morning until I walked up to Gabriel and told him flat up that I thought we should break up.  Behind my dry eyes and seemingly happy façade, I was breaking, I was sobbing until my eyes were dry and my heart was screaming at my brain that it was making the wrong choice.  My brain was blocking it all out though, it told me to plow through the speech about how I cheated on him and it told me to watch as his face slowly fell to an unemotional expression that I know realize as sadness that I had never seen before.  I turned around walked up the stairs and before I made it all of the way up my heart slowly seeped into my consciousness and I started crying.  I rushed through a hallway full of my peers and barely made it to my locker before the tears spilled out.  I stopped myself from crying trying to convince myself that this was what I wanted knowing that it wasn’t. 

I made it through the rest of Monday and that night I went back over to Max’s.  I was in the same sorry state that I had spent most of the day; I was sad but excited for what the new relationship would hold.  So it started out as usual, he had me pick out a movie.  I picked a Harry Potter movie, not that it mattered since we barely watched it.  We lay on the bed just kissing for hours but I wasn’t really into it.  Then we took smoke breaks.  I felt somewhat that he was using me but I didn’t care.  I knew I didn’t love him I maybe liked him a little.  I was just feeling neglected I suppose and I needed to do something about it, later I would find other things that made Gabe angry but this was one that was obvious.  The next day I ended it with Max, I told him that Gabe and I were back together even though we weren’t but as things were going we probably would be soon.

That Wednesday Gabe, our friend Sarah, and I were hanging out while Sarah was working-she delivers pizzas.  Gabe and I were on moderately friendly terms.   We were actually sort of considering getting back together at that point.  We were being sort of couple-y  and Sarah was finally frustrated with us.

“Won’t you two just go out finally?  It’s not like you’re gonna be apart from each other long like this.” I giggled and looked at Gabe who just shrugged I sighed and looked up and kissed him from then on we were together, for a while anyways.

Who Am I? (Gabriel) Chapter 3

I had a boy I had liked since I could remember his name was Gabriel.  Gabriel frequented the Hang Out and at first he had a girlfriend, then they broke up.  We started flirting hard core, then he had another girlfriend, but he wasn’t good enough for her, according to her he was drunk all of the time and she felt like it would never go anywhere with him.  Then school started and I saw him in the hallways and we would say hi and sometimes talk but it wasn’t much but we always spent time together at the Hang Out.  He smoked also and we took smoke breaks together and then we were always texting each other.  One day a forward was sent out, you know the kind, the one that gives you a list and asks what you would be interested in with a person.  I sent it to him and he sent back “dating” I didn’t believe him.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, nobody ever takes me seriously!”

“I will, but are you for real like for sure?”

“Yes…”

“Ok then”

“Let’s keep it a secret though.”

My suspicions rose because I knew he was a ladies man.  I had no doubt that he would cheat on my but I agreed anyways.  Had I been in the right mind I probably would have said no, or not, but I wasn’t so it didn’t matter.  I managed to keep it a secret for a while.  Gabe told me I could tell Cameron who was also his friend.  So when Cam was driving me home from the Hang Out one night I told him and he gave me rules.

“Just promise me one thing, well two.”  He started and I was laughing because I was moderately happy.

“Shoot,” I replied

“Don’t let him rule you and don’t sleep with him”

“Ok, Cam whatever you say!” I said jokingly.

“I’m serious” He replied somberly.  “You don’t know what he could have with those girls he slept with.”  He finished off in a kidding tone.

In time, I broke both of those rules.   We finally made it public because people just heard or figured it out, once again life in a small town.  It went well for about a month but I was bored, I wanted more and I got what I wanted one night when I need somewhere to go for a few hours.  

Just is.

I'm pathetically predictable
Sickeningly redundant
I fall and get back up
Just to fall all over again

I don't believe I can do better
That I can improve
So I stick with what I know
I can do well

I'll fight with myself
Every time I win
Then I go back
To what it was before

I'm pathetically predictable
Sickeningly redundant
I fall and get back up
Just to fall all over again.

What it is: A Break Up

I just keep driving as memories of you fly through my mind.  The way you smell the way you used to tuck my hair behind my ear.  I love you still though you are gone.  I remember how you used to look me in the eyes but now that had stopped, though I talk to you still, there is no connection, nothing personal.  You said you cared too much and I wasn’t used to being cared about but you did anyways and I got scared.  All of those things I did that seemed to be against you weren’t that but a cry for you to prove what you said.  You said you loved me but you left when I needed you.  I drive over the bridge but stop halfway across.  My hands clasp and I lean my head on the steering wheel hoping that another lost soul doesn’t meet me on this bridge at this hour.  It’s so late, or rather early.  It’s four in the morning and I’ve been up since six the previous morning but I can’t sleep because I’m thinking of you and how things have gone wrong.  You were the first I loved and the first who really cared and I left you abandoned in this world.  I think of the time we spent watching TV while my parents were home and when we couldn’t really do anything else.  I miss your arms around me the most.  The way you would say something and it would immediately make my day better.  Is this what a real break up feels like; is love worth this feeling if it ends?  I think it is because the only thing I regret is ending it.

Who Am I? (August) Chapter 2

August

I had to work the day the moving truck was at his house.  I watched from across the street as they packed the whole life of my closest friend away.  Apparently I wasn’t doing my best work and my supervisor noticed.  I know it wasn’t her job to be my friend; it was her job to motivate me to work my best and most efficient.  I was already down enough when she accused me of trying to get myself fired, that she didn’t know what my problem was but we needed to finish this boat so we could all leave and that if I had a problem then I should just quit.  That’s exactly what I did.  I hopped off the bed I was washing handed her the rag and the Lysol and walked away.  I walked the mile home and I moped as I heard the moving trucks go by I sobbed like no other.  That’s when I gave up.  With Carson gone, I had nothing to hold onto, nothing to keep me going on this path of goodness that I had lived on my whole life. 

The next day I picked up smoking and started lying more than my usual “I’m fine” lie.  My sister didn’t exactly turn me off smoking.  She didn’t encourage it either, but when we went roller blading we smoked together.  I went to the Hang Out on Fridays and smoked with some of my friends.  Soon enough I was smoking more than just socially.  I would sneak my window open and smoke out it by myself just thinking about how badly I was screwing up my life and I didn’t care.  I’d never thought of Carson as the reason until recently.  I was in a bad place and there was only one person I sort of trusted.  Near the end of the summer I started hanging out with Cameron, who had been a friend of my sister’s, he was a good one though.  Cameron worked at the Hang Out.  The Hang Out is a place for teens, like a night club but no alcohol the substitute being energy drinks, pretty much just a dance that happens weekly.  Though there is only dancing when an ambitious person starts it and gets his or her friends to join in.  I went outside every Friday to smoke with my friends that went.  Smoking was my big secret for the longest time.  I didn’t tell any of my school friends, though some of them found out their own ways, life in a small town I suppose.

Life changed so much those months.  I did things that I was so strongly against.  I changed and I was a train on course towards a broken bridge.  I knew this then and I know it now but it was inevitable, just something I had to live out.  This is where the months end and life begins.

Who am I? (July) Chapter 1

July

                I laughed with my friend as we swam at his house.  Carson and I had been friends since he moved near me in first grade; it was the summer before our tenth grade year.  I smiled and laughed genuinely with him but there was sadness there.  Deep beneath where I knew that he would be gone soon after the month was over.  I was spending almost every free hour I had with him.  He was my best and closest friend.  We had other friends sure we had a lot of other friends.  We had built up this huge friend group, we were both very charismatic individuals.  He was sort of a ladies man who didn’t date much and I could get along with pretty much everyone for no reason.  We had lots of friends but we were the two.  We had lockers adjacent to each other, we rode the same bus, participated in the same activities, and we lived near each other on the lake.  We were inseparable and did pretty much everything together.  We climbed up the ladder to get onto his dock and air dried lying on towels.  We called it tanning but neither of us could tan, we just burned.  It was a running joke with us, along with a lot of things.  I was clean then.  I was happy.  I had everything, a job-though I didn’t like it very much-, a best friend, a good family.  It was one of the happiest summers of my life but maybe that was because we both knew he was leaving in August; maybe it was because we were growing closer as friends.  Whatever the reason I look back on July with a smile on my face.  We went bike riding, swimming, to band practice.  We were in the Fourth of July parade together.  We always had so much fun and there was no one who could stop us. 

                Carson had two going away parties, one for friends and on for family, my two friends-Lucy and summer-and I went to both of them.  The friends one was an absolute blast, Carson had invited almost all of our school friends and we all went out on his parent’s pontoon boat.  We jammed out to music and danced until we stopped somewhere to eat.  The food was great and the conversation was better.  We talked about all sorts of things, that we could discuss openly with his dad present-which is pretty much everything-while eating sweet potato fries and jalapeño poppers.  The girls stole the guys shoes so we could go inside-none of us had brought ours- and we looked around and checked out the gift shop and just did random stuff.

                On the way back we stopped in this little bay to swim.  We turned up the music and stripped down to our swimsuits and dove in fearlessly.  We had a dance competition with the other boat in the bay.  I remember it all so fondly. 

                I had a job that summer.  Sometimes I would go to Carson’s house after work just to complain.  My job was closer to his house than to mine so it was easy.  I hated that job, I tolerated it though, and I wasn’t a quitter.  Cleaning wasn’t my forte and I hated doing it like most teenagers.  The only reason I had it was because I felt it was time for me to get one, it was nice having money. 

                There was another party for Carson’s going away, it was mostly for family but a coulple of friends and I went just to show up.  The house was getting empty but there was still enough furniture to seat almost everyone.  Carson was mad that we showed up at first but then he accepted it.  It was fun, we were able to meet a bunch of his cousins from out-of-town.  It was only a couple days before the moving trucks came and on the drive home I cried, silently, because I hadn’t really realized it, but I loved Carson, whether it was more than a friend or not I still loved him will all of my heart and I didn’t want him to leave me, ever, because that was all that ever happened.  I trusted and loved people, then they left.  I don’t know how much he understood of this love I had for him, but it was enough and everyone else knew that his move would affect me the most.

Who am I? (Intro)

What am I doing to myself?  The question rings in my head every day.  Every time I smoke a cigarette and every time I drink or do drugs.  This isn’t what you want.  I know that, but, I don’t know exactly what I want.  It happens more often now than when I first started.  At first, I had a rush from doing things I know I shouldn’t, things that were illegal, now it just seem predictable.  I wake up I smoke a cigarette, I get stressed I smoke a cigarette, I’m about to go to sleep, I smoke a cigarette.  I had sworn to myself years ago that I would never do this, never be like my sister or some of her friends.  Then I started being places where it was avoidable but definitely there.  On Friday night I would be hanging out with friends who were smoking.  I never smoked with them to start and then it seemed like all of the reasons for not smoking were gone, with one person.

I wonder if you're sick of my mildly depressing poetry...

It hurts to talk

Hurts to see

Hurts to think

Everything about you hurts

Everything I do is about you

Maybe one day I will be over this feeling

But it’s like when he left me

The one that I trust is once again gone

Untouchable

Clase de Matimaticas

I watch from a distance as you roll up your sleeves

I remember when those hands were mine to hold

I think back to those nights when we held each other close

We were so young, so in love, so bold

My face cripples in pain but only for a second

I hide my breaking heart from you

I don’t know if you are hurting as much as I

But I hope not because this world is more than blue

You were my first love, maybe my last true

Maybe it was truly returned, maybe a lie

But I’ll always remember the days

When you were mine

Alas I have failed

I’ll love him all of the time and he will never know

I’ll try to tell him but my feelings will never show

He will try to realize it but it will never get through

Because though it’s there it can’t be proven true

The stars shine and nights go by

But he will never be mine

The sun sets and it gets dark

And cupid’s arrow never finds its mark

He loved me once but then it fell through

I can’t make it right no matter how much I love you

I tried to be me but it didn’t feel right

Hopefully sometime my heart will take flight

The stars shine and nights go by

But he will never be mine

The sun sets and it gets dark

And cupid’s arrow never finds its mark

I will cry for you and sob your name

You won’t hear me because all you have is blame

Blame for what I did and how I failed

Now all I feel is derailed

The stars shine and nights go by

But he will never be mine

The sun sets and it gets dark

And cupid’s arrow never finds its mark

Sun

When it rains

Do you get sad

When you read this

Will you remember me

When it’s sunny

Do you smile

Go to the beach

Go out side

When it rains

He will go outside

dance in it

Because it does remind him of me

When it’s sunny

He frowns

It reminds him of me

He stays inside

When it rains

I’m sad but

I’m dancing

Because that’s me

When it’s sunny

I’m inside

Because when I go out

I burn

This poem

Is filled with emotions

Hidden until one who knows

Read it.

What it is: A poem

She will cry every day for you

But you will never shed a tear

She may never trust anyone again

But you are already over it

She will try to love

You never have

She will survive

You were never hurt

Maybe you’re the wrong one here

The one who needs help is you

The one who is getting it is her

She won’t need you one day

You will still come back

Depending on her dependency

She will be done

She will be gone

Imprisoned

I am shackled

Imprisoned

Love should set me free

Why is it I’m more stuck than before

Now that I’m with you

Love is the cell

You are the jailer  

People.

Who are we to have the rights we have

Some we never use, some we don’t give to others

The rights that are denied to those who need them most

The right to love who you wish

The right to do what you will

Pursuing happiness

Things we take for granted while others suffer without them

Is it our place to use them

What kind of nation based on freedom

Will steal the most basic rights its own people

What kind of people

Will stand idly while others are refused

It is our job to care

It is our job to right those wrongs done to others

It is our duty to help those who need it

Why is the common belief that you come before others

Who chose that it should be that way

It was selfishness.