What it is:... Fuck

I fucked up bad.  I'm not going to explain how but I probably ruined my relationship.. and my relationship with my best friend... and my best friends possible relationship but this was before they had even meant so does it even count!?!?!  FUCK!!!  With a capital "H".  I wish I...  I just wish I was never born sometimes because all I do is fuck with peoples lives and create stress...   I'm glad I'm leaving next year so I don't burden my home town friends with my present any longer cuz I wouldn't have many friends if they knew.  God damn me and my failure at life... 

What it is: ...

...  Gosh darn I can't do this whole facade thing anymore.  I suppose in the end everybody needs something and I have nothing.  I'm just failing at life I feel right now and I almost broke up with my boyfriend today.  Today is just a terrible day though I will say otherwise cuz it should have been amazing but it's just not effecting me the same.  I was happy then I'm no longer so.  Fuck.  I just can't do this whole thing for much longer.  I just want...  Something to hold onto.  Someone to know me for who I am and not who I say I am.  That's all I want is for someone to know me cuz I sure as hell don't.  Then how could they?  I just want them to see through my clouded eyes and into my soul and though it is dark couldn't it be worth it??  Maybe it isn't.  Cuz my soul is so dark.  That sucks.

What it is: Sadness... I'd never cried for my Grandfather.

     Honestly I never did.  Until yesterday when we visited his grave.  I figured I would but I still didn't expect it as much as I would have prefered.  I just hugged my brother and started sobbing.  It didn't help that earlier I had felt like m heart was being teared in to two peices.  And that is the reason that I don't plan to speak civilly to my mother anytime soon.  My brother hurt my sister in unspeakable ways and nobody else can let it go so my sister threw a fit yesterday and it resulted with my mother calling my brother yelling at him and telling him not to come which ruined my freaking day.  So yeah that was what went down.  Not a good day.

What it is: Stuff... yeah bad stuff... :(

Hello my name is **** and I'm an alcoholic.  Or my friends believe me to be.  Sure I can see it but I'm not technically... well I don't drink everyday.  BUT, I do drink because of stress and this depression like feeling I have all of the time.  It's not a good thing I know but it's almost like I can't avoid it.  Every weeekend, something happens which includes me drinking and I pretty much got kicked out of my friends house because of it.  Hah do I need serious help?  Probably.  Will I get it?  NO!  I feel like my goal is to get better before next school year but I'm not sure I can do it...  :(

What it is: Sexuality

I always totally thought I was completely straight.  Until recently.  I'm thinking that I may be bisexual...  A few of my friends are and a few of my friends think I am just because of how I act.  I can see it though...  That's like all I had to say on that.

What it is: Friends... Again.

I lost a good friend of mine for a while due too "differences" in opinion about this other friend...  Something like that anyways.  We hung out today and it was awesome.  She is like the only person I hang out with out of school so it was great and we went to Kerry and Voyagers.  I missed hanging out with just people.  It was amazing and fun and.......  God, I feel like shit.  I'm leaving next year.  WTF.  I want to leave so badly.  Three things today are trying to convince me not to.  First my knowledge bowl coach tells me how much my team is going to miss me and that we have a good chance at state next year.  Second the director of the city band questions my reasons for going because the school doesn't have an actual band program.  Third I hang out with friends I've had only for this year and they're the closest friends I've ever had that are girls.  It's depressing that I'm losing all of this stuff next year.  Today I'm not even in a good mood to consider whether it's worth it or not but I think it is and if I don't like it I can come back after a semester and wouldn't everybody just be so happy then.  But would I regret my choice for the rest of my life??  WHY IS LIFE SO HARD???

What it is: Depression

I'm fairly I suffer from depression.  I won't ever go to a shrink to admit it and get anti depressants...  well maybe, the people say they make you feel better, but they have such an negative connotation.  I just want to do something that can make me feel better... like anything.  Talking to my boyfriend who is a bum and always forgets to check his phone for days at a time I don't think he really gets how bad my depression gets... Wait this is probably cuz I never tell him.. hehe  Need to work on that.  Cutting myself ( last ditch effort to get my mind to leave me alone)  Getting drunk, high, you name it.  I've done it to escape my mind.  I try to avoid a lot of it.  It's not a good habit.  I get sad, I itch to do something about it...  Not spectacular right?  Lets just say it's a habit it started with cutting which started three years ago.  Bleh, see then life gives me troubles I go to one of my vices... I guess I have many of them.  Then there is the possible just bitching someone out till I feel better...  This one I may give more of a shot.  Let people know what I think of them... pssshhh  Could I ever do that??  Yeah if I was drunk or something... Occasionally sober maybe give it a try.  Start with that boyfriend of mine eh?  That's sorta mean but I feel sorta abandoned by him a lot cuz he lives out of town and he never checks his phone.  I'm needy... it's a gift??

What it is: Affection

I hate this long distant relationship thing.  I was supposed to go see my boyfriend yesterday but then we ended up not going, but now I'm supposed to go next weekend instead and I'm excited.  In the meantime I miss him like fuck.  I have like this giant crush on a dude here though... IT'S NOT FAIR!!!  I refuse to agknowledge this though cuz I don't want to hurt my bf.  I refuse.

What it is: Buzzes

Have you ever felt the need for a good buzz?  Whether it be alcohol, tobacco, whatever your poison is.  This is pretty much the story of my life right now.  I always want to feel good, I have no idea what is wrong with me.  Something obviously is right now.  I have abandonment issues I have recently realized.  My brother left me.  My best friend left me (No guilt trip please I still love you no worries).  I've just been abandoned all of my life.  It seems like nobody ever really wants to deal with me for long.  I don't have a really best friend that I can tell everything to.  I never have honestly.  I've never let anyone inside of my head truly.  I'm not sure I could.  I can't even stand my brain.  It's too depressing.  Thus the buzz necessity.  I just want to feel good, pursuit of happiness it's a constitutional right but I think I'm taking it to far!!  How can I be doing these things to myself when I know it's wrong and bad for me.  I just need to see a shrink or something... but then again how would this help me since I can't open up for anyone.  I'm just depressed someone needs to put me on Prozac or one of those strong anti-depressents but then I would just be hyped up on pills on the time right??  I love my boyfriend so much, but I never get to see him and he stopped texting me for two days and I fell into this deep funk.  I was supposed to go see him tomorrow but now I don't think I can.  I was going to go with friends but they aren't going anymore.  I just really need him.  I'm in this inevitable downward spiral I fear.  Geez.  I'm depressing maybe a shrink isn't such a bad idea...  I didn't know where my sister was and so I automatically assumed she commited suicide... WHO DOES THAT!!  It's probably cuz of the book I'm reading.  I don't even know.  Should I see a shrink or would I just close up.  The closest person I have to a shrink is my boyfriend... I tell him everything.  I can't not tell him everything, he just accepts me for who I am.  My cousin started worrying about my partying ways recently.  I love that kid so much, he knows a lot about my partying thing.  I didn't even know I was a partier till this year since I stayed away from it for so long.  It's always been one of those things I wasn't interested in... Just like anger.  I had no interest in being angry until this year.  What is wrong with me?  I've already gone through puberty so that isn't an excuse, is this one of those teenage angst things?  I think it's mor than that though.  And I'm once again rambling.  I seem to do this a lot.  Only eighteen days of school left... well something like that.  I just need it to be over.  I can't handle this anymore...  :(  So this is my depressing blog cuz I'm sorta inebriated right now.  Greatest idea right?  NO

What it is: Sleep...then music.

So, funny conversation at a lunch table today.  My friend Jeff took a poll at the table asking who liked sleep, everyone raised their hand.  Then he says "If being in a relationship prevents sleep then why do people have them."  Me, being the smart ass, I respond with "Because what you're doing when you aren't sleeping is so much more fun."  I just stood up and walked away grinning as everyone was laughing.  Including my ex and his new girlfriend.  Today was a good day, I guess.  Alas now sleep escapes me.  I'm pretty sure I have insomnia because it is a rare occasion when I get more than six hours of sleep a night, and I can't fall asleep usually... like right now.  My mind just races and keeps going for hours on end, thus no sleep for Nora.  It's makes me pretty efficiant though, I can read, write, practice, think (which usually isn't a great thing).  I'm sorta thinking I'm going insane.  My filter from brain to mind is pretty much disappearing.  This probably explains the comment from one of my friends in band today.  "It says I have to play it raunchy"  Saxophone player says.  Comment from the low brass?  "Just try to think like Nora"  Laughs all around and I wasn't really paying attention but they repeated it for me and I laughed and agreed.  Saxophone player said it worked.  AHHH  I'm so excited for Fine Arts Night.  I heard two of the saxophones playing the Glee version of "Don't Stop Believing"  By Journey.  I didn't want to catch my bus because it sounded amazing.  I'm sad though because this is my last year there.  In other band news.  The band and choir are having a sing off of the song "I Can do better"  You know: Anything you can do I can do better.  And I'm so proud of them cuz we are totally gonna whip the choir's asses because we actually know how to read music *GASP* What a concept eh?  I stood next to the guys I'm friends with when we sang it today and we actually have a bass part because there are actually guys in band and we get really competitive with the choir people...  Is this what people mean when they say I'm distractable...  I was talking about sleep... now I'm talking about band...  ha whatever.  I don't even think anyone reads this anymore the people who used to are either not as good of friends with me or have disappeared...  MAT!!  Hehe I'm nervous for next year.  I'm going to this art school in a town like six hours away.  I'm leaving all of my friends and pursuing my career.  This is probably referred to as growing up.  Who knew it would be so hard?

What it is: Love...maybe?

So I gots a boyfriend.  He's not a douche like the last guy I dated... but sadness he lives out of town.  I like talk to him on the phone every night.  Is it love??  Maybe, I can't decide yet.  I suppose it is too early to tell but, I've sorta dated him before and he was a good friend of mine before I started dating him.  He's sorta awesome... even though he gets shit faced sometimes and it sorta annoys me but that's hypocritical of me cuz... well you get it.  I still can't decide what his motives are exactly.  I see him as honest but I can't read him... well not over the phone anyways.  Plus the fact that we had sex before I started dating him the first time and I can't decide if that's all he wants.  Plus the fact that I cheated with him on my ex like last year...  Is this a good sign or a bad one?  But, all I know is that for once this year I've been spectacularily happy like since we started dating and that's not what it was like with my last bf...  So many questions about this.  I guess the whole point of love is putting yourself in a position to get hurt.  It's all about the risk... or so I hear and think myself.  I hope he doesn't hurt me but I suppose even the greatest loves have had hurt in them.  Comment!!  let me know what you think.  <3s