What it is: Buzzes

Have you ever felt the need for a good buzz?  Whether it be alcohol, tobacco, whatever your poison is.  This is pretty much the story of my life right now.  I always want to feel good, I have no idea what is wrong with me.  Something obviously is right now.  I have abandonment issues I have recently realized.  My brother left me.  My best friend left me (No guilt trip please I still love you no worries).  I've just been abandoned all of my life.  It seems like nobody ever really wants to deal with me for long.  I don't have a really best friend that I can tell everything to.  I never have honestly.  I've never let anyone inside of my head truly.  I'm not sure I could.  I can't even stand my brain.  It's too depressing.  Thus the buzz necessity.  I just want to feel good, pursuit of happiness it's a constitutional right but I think I'm taking it to far!!  How can I be doing these things to myself when I know it's wrong and bad for me.  I just need to see a shrink or something... but then again how would this help me since I can't open up for anyone.  I'm just depressed someone needs to put me on Prozac or one of those strong anti-depressents but then I would just be hyped up on pills on the time right??  I love my boyfriend so much, but I never get to see him and he stopped texting me for two days and I fell into this deep funk.  I was supposed to go see him tomorrow but now I don't think I can.  I was going to go with friends but they aren't going anymore.  I just really need him.  I'm in this inevitable downward spiral I fear.  Geez.  I'm depressing maybe a shrink isn't such a bad idea...  I didn't know where my sister was and so I automatically assumed she commited suicide... WHO DOES THAT!!  It's probably cuz of the book I'm reading.  I don't even know.  Should I see a shrink or would I just close up.  The closest person I have to a shrink is my boyfriend... I tell him everything.  I can't not tell him everything, he just accepts me for who I am.  My cousin started worrying about my partying ways recently.  I love that kid so much, he knows a lot about my partying thing.  I didn't even know I was a partier till this year since I stayed away from it for so long.  It's always been one of those things I wasn't interested in... Just like anger.  I had no interest in being angry until this year.  What is wrong with me?  I've already gone through puberty so that isn't an excuse, is this one of those teenage angst things?  I think it's mor than that though.  And I'm once again rambling.  I seem to do this a lot.  Only eighteen days of school left... well something like that.  I just need it to be over.  I can't handle this anymore...  :(  So this is my depressing blog cuz I'm sorta inebriated right now.  Greatest idea right?  NO