What it is: Exhaustion

So... Call me a burnout I suppose that is the most fitting term for me all day today.  I'm not going into details as to what I'm refering to when I specify that that phrase is the one that refers to me.  I suddenly feel like I don't have as many friends as I used to.  I was in a huge group of friends at one point then I was in an even smaller close knit group of friends, now they're ditching me because I wanted to be friends with one guy that one of them has a crush on.  No I can't really say I blame her, the girl who is pulling away from me.  Well actually I do blame her and she's probably reading this so, yes I hang out with Kyle, Christina, but since when is who I hang out with as a FRIEND a worry of yours.  You can like him as more than one but I don't at all anymore because I love Mike and Kyle knows that.  Just like I agknowledged (typo?) the fact that he loves Molly.  I can't even explain the animosity I currently feel for you.  Yes this means that I too am angry but refuse to show it for the fact that that is not who I am.  But, Chrissy I still love you to death because that's who I am.   Anyways, I realize that I still have a ton of friends but I'm not as close as I was.  *Grumble* guess that's what I get anyways.

What it is:choices

I just received my acceptance letter from an arts high school about five hours away from my home town. I can't really be sure that I should go or not. I want to go but at the same time I am not too keen on the idea of leaving everyone here. On that note last year my best friend moved away so my friends at school keep saying "Mat left us and now Nora is!!!!". I sorta laugh because it didn't effect them like it effected me so... But I really think it would be the best thing for me at this point so I'm signing up for it anyways.

What it is: Bleh... Meh... yeah... pretty much.

     So yeah... pretty much.  *grumble, grumble*  My computer is broken... it won't start anymore well I haven't been home since Friday so maybe it's changed in approximately 24 hours.  I have so much to type and say but my brain keeps telling me not to reveal anything.  If it was illegal then I didn't do it...  (I lied I probably did but still for future reference...)  I have plans in the future to do the cupid shuffle naked with one of my friends...  Yeah pretty much.  I've had a sucky weekend thus far and though the weekend had just started it still probably isn't gonna get any better considering my mental state.  I've started dreaming again.  I never have nightmares but I've also never had dreams about things I'm thinking about which started a couple days ago and isn't a good thing at all because all I can pretty much think about it my ex- boyfriend Tyler.  I guess I just really miss him so I can't do anything about it.  I talked to him for a bit last night and we can't talk at all plus I have to hide it from my friend...  Umm yeah I know your reading this Christina...  Don't kill me... hehe I love you.  Oui I dreamed about him twice the first one consisted of him holding me and a bunch of my random 4H friends playing 4-square.  The second one I can't remember right now but it was about him and both times, I wake up less rested than when I fall asleep though I got more sleep then I usually do.  Then last night I dreamed about going to the movies with my friends and I saw Will Smith, his son, and his wife though I have no idea what she looks like.   It was weird and he was shorter than I expected.  My sub-conscience is out to get me I'm sure.  Speaking of sleeping I spend the night at my friend's house every weekend and we are wearing incredibly fuzzy pants.  Like the fuzzyness is not explainable to the average human who hasn't felt it I would attach a sample but oh WAIT

SAMPLE: ULTIMATE FUZZYNESS!!!!!!

[ ]

So yeah...  to all of my fans... All like three of you who will ever read this maybe...  I LOVE YOU!

What it is: Heart Break

Oui, what can I say, I fell for the guy, hard.  Then we broke up.  Now all I want is him back.  I want to find solace in his arms whenever I get worried about others, now I take solace in myself when I worry about him.  He's what I care about most, I can't stop thinking about him, what our issues were, if we can work them out?  Is this what heartbreak feels like?  Is this what losing your first love is?  I wish I could just hold on to him until I am unable to but I feel that this would be cruel.  My friends don't like him but I miss him so much I feel like that should make up for it.  And if you reading this close friends, I know you don't like him but I love him and I don't know what to do without him.  Christina, will you give him a chance, just once more and if he fucks it up it's done, over.  It's just misery.  Moodles.

Ode to: DANGIT MY FOOT JUST FELL ASLEEP!!!!

It's happened to every one... You're just sitting there innocently and all the sudden when you try to sit up your leg is pretty much jelly and before you know it, you're on the ground and your foot has that pins and needles feeling.  *Grumble*  I challenge you to figure out why our feet fall asleep...  Cuz I have no clue.

What it is: The scourge of humanity

*Grumble*  Do I have to say it?  Yes.  EQUAL RIGHTS.  We are always repressing somebody.  First the African Americans, now the homosexuals??  Seriously when are we gonna figure out that human is human no matter their skin color or sexual preference.  Isn't their right to get married just as legal as ours?  It's the pursuit of happiness correct?  Is it not guaranteed by the constitution along with other basic rights such as freedom of speech, freedom of petition, and freedom of press.  Homosexuals are still people smart ones.  Just because they like members of the same sex doesn't exclude them from basic human rights.  I'd like religion to be brought up in this argument just so I can yell "Separation of church and state, sherlock!".

What it is: Friends

THANK YOU FOR!:
1) Reading my blog.  :D  You know who you are.
2) Helping me push a car
3) Messaging me more than twice a day when I need you.  <3 I Am Me
4) Dealing with me when I'm down
5) Talking to ass holes for me.
6) Voicing your opinions even if I didn't ask
7) Protecting me from myself and my bad tendencies.
8) Loving me as usual
9) Being awesome
10) Being obsessed with even numbers....  Yeah That's you I'm talking bout!!!

A day in the life.

So I'm helping my friend start her online classes today... She's a rule breaker not a follower. It was hilarious watching her swear up and down at the computer because it wouldn't do what she wanted it to and because she had to take a tutorial. Her mother and I helped her with it which required totally guessing in a test and getting all but two right. Go us!!!! Random but hilarious.

What it is: The Truth 1

The truth of the matter is that I'm a sixteen year old creatively suppressed artist, I suppose.  That's why when I'm on my blog I can write three posts in one night an still feel like I have accomplished nothing.  Well, it's not like anyone reads these, cept I Am Me of course.  Props to you.  The truth of it:

Early days
I have very few memories of when I was younger.  I can't remember before the age of five, except very important things.  Like my uncle Terry.  He wasn't really my uncle he was a close friend of my dad's and later I was to find out quite the trouble maker.  I remember him with his bandanna in his boat visiting us and having a cup of coffee with my dad while the both chain smoke their Marlboros.  I suppose I also remember the Marlboros, my father hasn't smoked them in years but every time I smell them I feel a sense of nostalgia.  They sat at the old picnic table, which is long gone now, and I'd listen to them talk.  Terry had a wonderful imagination, it was worthy of getting lost in.  He always said there was an amphibious pachyderm that lived in the bay, under our dock.  I believed him and everyday I would look for that water dwelling elephant in the hopes that it would let me ride it.  I was only later to realize that our bay was far too shallow for any elephant sized creatures to dwell there, but, when I was young anything was possible.
A lot of Terry's stories had reasons behind them such as the one when he told my sister and I that our neighbors were serial killers and that's why there was a fence there.  That kept us from trespassing for sure.
My sister believed she had a curse.  When her first god-father passed away from some sort of cancer, I believe, she named Terry her god-father.  Then he had a stroke.  Terry was a close friend of mine at the time before I really had started school, I visited him in the hospital and sobbed when I realized he couldn't remember my name.  I saw him in the greatest of his days and the worst.  Shortly there after Terry died, he suffered another stroke.  That's his story, I will never forget my second father.

Andrew
I have an older brother whom I have adored since I can remember.  He adored me too, he still does.  He and my older sister have never gotten along as well as we have.  I will never understand some things about him.  My mother said he was sick.  I just think he was angry, he was angry sad and lonely.  He had a learning disability, but he was never stupid.  People made fun of him for it though, he didn't play sports (almost a crime in my hometown) he wasn't in any extra-curricular activities it was almost like he was the Boo Radley of his grade.  He attracted some attention from girls but they turned on him.  They told him to kill himself and they called him names.  He was 15, this was just after what we Minnesotans call the Red Lake School Shooting (It was as the name implies a school shooting in Red Lake a rez here).  He sent an e-mail to the girl telling her that something like Red Lake was going to happen here if the harassment didn't stop.  She reported it to the police.  My family didn't own any guns or weapons.  We didn't hunt, we rarely fished, there was no need to search our house but the police came they took my brother, our computer, and a telescope stand which was the best possible weapon they could find.  My sister and I watched from behind our garage as our brother was taken away from us.  We were still so young, we couldn't understand this.  He was sent to a juvenile facility for some time and then he returned to us when I was probably about ten or eleven.  But, he wouldn't stay long.

What it is: Music

To me it is everything, everything I have, everything I can do.  To others it may be less but to me it is still my whole being.  I listen to it I play it I write it.  I don't know why I ended up being so gifted in it it just happened and I love it with every electron, neutron, and proton (Yes I went subatomic) of my being.  Some people can't understand that it is all that I can hold on to.  I can barely hold on to writing one day this blog may go unwritten in for an extended period of time though I hope it will not be soon. and I hope that something I say will have more effect than someone crying for the story.  I hope I can inspire someone somewhere to get out there and change the world like I will hope to before my life is over so I can say I did something that helped people and that I didn't just write music that only my friends heard or write posts that only my friends read, I hope to be global and unforgettable to more than those who I see everyday, because one day as everything that lives does, I will die but before that I will make an impact.  I will help people.  I got very off topic... Oui.

What it is: What to do after you break up with your boyfriend again...

1. DON'T DRINK!!!  Alcohol is a depressant and thus bad.  and mom said no!
2. Go to sleep
3. Wake up epically in your friend's bed
4. Take a half asleep shower even though it may be like four in the morning
5. Fall back asleep in a towel turban
6. Work for three hours after your friend's mom wakes you up.
7. Call friends to pick you up
8. Go get ice cream
9. Pull a ninja stop and sneak to the gas station you just saw your friend at
10. Jump through beer window into back of truck and duck.
11. Jump up and out of bed of truck and tackle friend
12. Drive aimlessly until Mom yells at you guys to get home
13. Did I mention the ICE CREAM
14. Crash on be listening to music until said friend from before finally gets his lazy ass to the house
15. Drive around aimlessly again
16. Go to friends g-rents house... Drink pop...  Play with Baseball bats
17. Leave friend's G-rents house and go to bonfire
18. Proceed to get soaked in friends yard... it was an ocean
19. Go home
20. Sleep

What it is: Living in the moment

Does anybody in this day and age live in the moment?  Have humans ever?  Have we lived like there will be no tomorrow, have you done something today that you want people to remember you forever for?  I realized today that I haven't appreciated everything life has given me.  I've always just wanted more.  I have great friends and my family is pretty okay too.  Did you tell someone that you love them today, just to make sure they know?  Did you let them know you care and that you always will, or were you too busy waiting for something to happen for you?  I believe in karma, what you do will be done to you, sorta thing.  You have to love to be loved, you have to care to be cared about.  Living and loving and caring and trying are all about the moment.  Prove you care, love or that you are trying.  It's never too late until the people you care about are gone, and you never know when that might be.  Right now it might be too late for some but not for others, don't dwell in what you should have done and try to do something of equal value today, now, soon.

What it is: First love

I may never be over my first love.  Is this normal?  I don't think breaking up and then getting back together all the time is okay.  I can feel that I'll never be the same as I once was, he made me feel like shit and I suppose that's how I'll expect all of my relationships to be after this.  Few things will change my mind.

Gabe II (Chapter 5)

               My friends didn’t mind that Gabe and I were seeing each other again; as usual they just tolerated him, this I could tell this was how it always had been.  It took him a while for him to realize that I was actually going to be there for him again.  Our relationship quickly returned to what it had been including fights at least once a week mostly over text message.  He would start fights over the stupidest things, if I didn’t pay enough attention to him, or if he felt I paid too much attention to someone else.  One thing that changed since the last time is that he started to come over.  It was nice but I realize that my parents weren’t very smart when they traded the couch in the living room for a bed.  Blankets and all this bed was where Gabe and I spent much of our time watching movies and such because there was nothing else to do.  Then one night, my mother left the house for twenty minutes and Gabe suggested it.

                “Where’d your mom go?”  He asked with a mischievous look in his eye.

                “Just outside probably.  Why?”  I was mildly suspicious.  I wasn’t to be disappointed in my suspicions either as I found out.

                “Do you want to take it further”

                “She’s just outside.  Are you serious?”

                “Of course I’m serious, but, it’s up to you.”  He’d always say this but deep down I’d always feel that it wasn’t actually up to me, he was just manipulating me like I did to everyone else.

                I didn’t say anything to him I just grabbed his hand and led him to my bedroom.  It wasn’t very long he was already almost done and it hurt, a lot.  You always hear about it hurting, well I did anyways, but it didn’t prepare me in any way for the ripping sensation.  He comforted me the whole time, all approximately two minutes of it.  We spent a lot of time together but things still had changed when we were apart.  I got the buzz of risk and risk is addicting. 

                One night I spent the night at my friend Kyla’s house, now I knew my friend smoked weed, but I had never considered it.  We were up until one in the morning and we were watching That 70’s Show  they had this sort of advertisement on there to tell kids not to smoke marijuana.  I looked at Kayla and we laughed.

                “We should get some weed!”  I suggested, only partially joking.

                “Dude, we need money.”  She responded.  I thought this was obvious.

                “I have some.  How much do you think we need?”  Less joking this time.

                “Like twenty for an eighth.”  I have yet to have figured out what that eighth is of, a gram, maybe.

                I counted all my cash and Kyla and I ogled at the amount, it evened out to exactly twenty. 

                “This is definitely a sign.” I said quietly and she just smiled as she called her sister Miranda to see if we could get a bag, we could.

                We walked about five blocks at one in the morning in the middle of winter.  My town actually has a curfew which is ten and that’s when all of us kids are supposed to be home.  My friends from seventh street (The street Miranda’s boyfriend lived on and the highest place in town-not elevation wise) and I have broken this curfew so many time, they hardly enforced it.  We were freezing but it was all better when Kyla and I got back to her house.  This was the first time I experience the extremeness of my light weighted-ness.  We didn’t even smoke a whole bowl and the room was spinning, we had both burnt our thumbs but couldn’t feel it until later.  I didn’t really feel it until I was inside for a second and then it crept up on me and I didn’t realize I was stoned until I forgot something for a second, was trying to remember and I suddenly realized.

                “Dude, I’m stoned” I said to Kyla and she just laughed.  I said that about one hundred times that night.  We were up to at least three in the morning and in this time we soaked our thumbs in cold(not that we could tell) water until they stopped stinging while I swayed back and forth.  Then I spun around on a chair and Kyla thought my feet were like a horse.  I can’t remember much but I do remember falling on the floor so many times that when we tried to count, we lost track-not a hard feat for us in our state-and talking so much that Kyla yelled at me to shut up so she could watch TV.

                I called Gabe that night, he was a very unhappy person.  I just talked to him for about five minutes and he hardly said a word.  He was very angry at me and I didn’t understand.  He always talked about getting high and getting drunk, but as I would find out this would never be okay for me.  I also called Max-we were on good terms- and Cam at three in the morning, boy were they pissed. 

                “Wake and Bake.”  Kyla and I chimed in at the same time.  The only problem with getting stoned that morning was that I had to go home and Cam was giving me a ride home, Max was with him.  I sat in the back seat next to Max while Cam’s girlfriend Cayla sat in the front seat. 

                “What were you on last night?”  Cam asked me and Max laughed and agreed that he wanted to know.  I wouldn’t tell them and they wouldn’t stop pestering me and when I finally gave in in between giggling fits because Max was tickling me.

                “Same thing I’m on right now.”

                “No way, Max check.”  Cam said in disbelief while Cayla just shook her head laughing.

                “Really Keira?”  I giggled as Max held my face still and looked at my eyes.

                “Oh my god she isn’t lying, she’s stoned.”  I smiled at Max with my high smile.  I almost wanted to snuggle right into him but I resisted, for the most part.  I did lean against him as I tried to calm down and kill the buzz I had on the ride home. 

                I got home and I pretty much went to sleep, my sister knew what went down and so did her boyfriend, this one for a while, Sam.  That was the first time I got stoned and I was hooked.

Oui... Life

You broke my heart when you left me
standing on that curb in the rain
the sky cried with me
but didn't feel my pain

I ran from you and I suppose I got what I deserved
but you just watched me cry didn't reach out to help
were you scared? Frightened of my tears
Or did you realize your deepest fears

My friends held me as I cryed and wiped the memories clean,
clean of dirt and things you had said to me
the sweet whispers of nothing into my ear
you probably will never shed a single tear