What it is:... Fuck

I fucked up bad.  I'm not going to explain how but I probably ruined my relationship.. and my relationship with my best friend... and my best friends possible relationship but this was before they had even meant so does it even count!?!?!  FUCK!!!  With a capital "H".  I wish I...  I just wish I was never born sometimes because all I do is fuck with peoples lives and create stress...   I'm glad I'm leaving next year so I don't burden my home town friends with my present any longer cuz I wouldn't have many friends if they knew.  God damn me and my failure at life... 

What it is: ...

...  Gosh darn I can't do this whole facade thing anymore.  I suppose in the end everybody needs something and I have nothing.  I'm just failing at life I feel right now and I almost broke up with my boyfriend today.  Today is just a terrible day though I will say otherwise cuz it should have been amazing but it's just not effecting me the same.  I was happy then I'm no longer so.  Fuck.  I just can't do this whole thing for much longer.  I just want...  Something to hold onto.  Someone to know me for who I am and not who I say I am.  That's all I want is for someone to know me cuz I sure as hell don't.  Then how could they?  I just want them to see through my clouded eyes and into my soul and though it is dark couldn't it be worth it??  Maybe it isn't.  Cuz my soul is so dark.  That sucks.

What it is: Sadness... I'd never cried for my Grandfather.

     Honestly I never did.  Until yesterday when we visited his grave.  I figured I would but I still didn't expect it as much as I would have prefered.  I just hugged my brother and started sobbing.  It didn't help that earlier I had felt like m heart was being teared in to two peices.  And that is the reason that I don't plan to speak civilly to my mother anytime soon.  My brother hurt my sister in unspeakable ways and nobody else can let it go so my sister threw a fit yesterday and it resulted with my mother calling my brother yelling at him and telling him not to come which ruined my freaking day.  So yeah that was what went down.  Not a good day.

What it is: Stuff... yeah bad stuff... :(

Hello my name is **** and I'm an alcoholic.  Or my friends believe me to be.  Sure I can see it but I'm not technically... well I don't drink everyday.  BUT, I do drink because of stress and this depression like feeling I have all of the time.  It's not a good thing I know but it's almost like I can't avoid it.  Every weeekend, something happens which includes me drinking and I pretty much got kicked out of my friends house because of it.  Hah do I need serious help?  Probably.  Will I get it?  NO!  I feel like my goal is to get better before next school year but I'm not sure I can do it...  :(

What it is: Sexuality

I always totally thought I was completely straight.  Until recently.  I'm thinking that I may be bisexual...  A few of my friends are and a few of my friends think I am just because of how I act.  I can see it though...  That's like all I had to say on that.

What it is: Friends... Again.

I lost a good friend of mine for a while due too "differences" in opinion about this other friend...  Something like that anyways.  We hung out today and it was awesome.  She is like the only person I hang out with out of school so it was great and we went to Kerry and Voyagers.  I missed hanging out with just people.  It was amazing and fun and.......  God, I feel like shit.  I'm leaving next year.  WTF.  I want to leave so badly.  Three things today are trying to convince me not to.  First my knowledge bowl coach tells me how much my team is going to miss me and that we have a good chance at state next year.  Second the director of the city band questions my reasons for going because the school doesn't have an actual band program.  Third I hang out with friends I've had only for this year and they're the closest friends I've ever had that are girls.  It's depressing that I'm losing all of this stuff next year.  Today I'm not even in a good mood to consider whether it's worth it or not but I think it is and if I don't like it I can come back after a semester and wouldn't everybody just be so happy then.  But would I regret my choice for the rest of my life??  WHY IS LIFE SO HARD???

What it is: Depression

I'm fairly I suffer from depression.  I won't ever go to a shrink to admit it and get anti depressants...  well maybe, the people say they make you feel better, but they have such an negative connotation.  I just want to do something that can make me feel better... like anything.  Talking to my boyfriend who is a bum and always forgets to check his phone for days at a time I don't think he really gets how bad my depression gets... Wait this is probably cuz I never tell him.. hehe  Need to work on that.  Cutting myself ( last ditch effort to get my mind to leave me alone)  Getting drunk, high, you name it.  I've done it to escape my mind.  I try to avoid a lot of it.  It's not a good habit.  I get sad, I itch to do something about it...  Not spectacular right?  Lets just say it's a habit it started with cutting which started three years ago.  Bleh, see then life gives me troubles I go to one of my vices... I guess I have many of them.  Then there is the possible just bitching someone out till I feel better...  This one I may give more of a shot.  Let people know what I think of them... pssshhh  Could I ever do that??  Yeah if I was drunk or something... Occasionally sober maybe give it a try.  Start with that boyfriend of mine eh?  That's sorta mean but I feel sorta abandoned by him a lot cuz he lives out of town and he never checks his phone.  I'm needy... it's a gift??